fucked up

It's all messy inside.. I don't even know what life is..

All that i know is im mad..im frustrated..im sad.. im heartbroken.. and everything a negative vibe could be..

Don't tell me a single thing if you don't want to be yelled at.. 

I despise seeing myself so weakened like this.. i hate living as though my problems would be solved after my death.. 

I hate crowds, i hate being looked at.. and what most is i hate don't even know what i hate most..

People they seemed like they cared when the truth is they don't even give a damn of how fucked up you are.. 

Upon all your reactions, they said i wasn't being thoughtful..

These teary eyes and gloomed face all fucked up with those blemishes and pimples pictured how stressful i am.. how i fucked up i am deep within.. 

I am not okay. I will never be okay for the time being. Just don't get near me.. i hate everybody and im okay not talking about it.. 

starting anew

I had wished life could be easier..

I never thought all my 'hardship' those days in my previous school will be paid of so handsomely like this.. in fact i never thought my life back then was hard.. i enjoyed my life.. 

But He knows better..

So here i am.. i spent a whole week in my new school..

I have a lot to be thankful for but i really wish my other half is here with me... 

unsure

im not sure if this blog is still working or not. but it had been such a long time since i last wrote my post here.

anything about me for the past months wasn't kept secured. i let lose my mind and sometimes my control..well,,something took the best of me..

i just recovered from my coughing which is around 7 weeks already. people said im dying. -_ -

i still had bruises on my hands from those branulas they put on me. it hurts a lot.

so let's just stop here and see if i can still post stories here...

Preparation

Is there any place I can sit down, watch the stars counting them and all the blessings ive got? Well, if there is any I would instantly go there, cz I just feel like it.. it's a bit muddled up here...

I'm okay. It's just that, I dunno why but the feeling is like im short of time..I dont have much time left, it's like watching the sand sipping through an hourglass... I don't have much..

Im short of breathe, with lots to say... ive got tons to do but all I did was daydreaming..

I think I should write a bucket list before I kick the bucket.. yeah

Ive got worksss to dooo

Im sick

Prophet Muhammad pbuh said we should  not take for granted 5 things in life...

Those...
1. Sihat sebelum sakit
2. Muda sebelum tua
3. Kaya sebelum miskin
4. Lapang sebelum sempit
5. Hidup sebelum mati

From all those 5, sadly, I've been a terrible person cz I've been taking for granted all those former and not been a good follower of what Prophet Muhammad had mentioned...

What the doctor said threw me hard on the ground, I was sad, but all those people next to me said there's nothing big to be sad for.. im kinda disappointed because it wasn't easy to live life when u know u are sick. Really..

So currently im sick of myself..

Im trying to lift up the mood a bit.. but it was hard.. especially when u dont want those u love know that u are sick... so im keeping things to myself now.. I'm writing to keep notes of the journey maybe... one day when I'm gone, someone will have something to read of me, about me.. as a sweet memory of Nani...

And... yeah

I'm a degil person or so they said.. but above all, alhamdulillah, a new parcel from Him as a gift for me to cherish. Thank you.

Clingy

Well, I'm starting to be a clingy girl. I know it wont be necessary but I dunnow why on earth suddenly this feeling emerges.

"Them" saying that the engaged couples need to strive hard for the sake of sustaining the relationship is indeed true.

I find it hard.. really...

E day

Well, wasnt really ready for what is supposed to be ready but im thankful.

It was a hard decision made. The ceremony was held on Sunday but the final decision was made only on Friday. Phew...

Everything went well, but I really was nervous that I almost had my heart beating out of its normal rhythm.

Above all, I hope I can retain this feeling although it is soooo confusing.. soo sudden and sooo new to me...